Summer: Eric's Birthday and Frogmore Stew

We celebrated Eric's birthday with friends in California.  I made something called "Frogmore Stew" for the party.  I found out about the idea from a facebook friend and Googled the recipe.  I have made this twice now:  for Emma's birthday last year and for Eric's birthday this year.  Everytime I have made this I get strange looks from the people I have served it to because the presentation is so quirky.  However, once the eating gets underway, everyone ends up having a great time and becomes convinced that it is "okay".  Contrary to its name, this stew contains no frogs.  Its called "Frogmore Stew" because the creator of it is from Frogmore, South Carolina.

To make this you choose a selection of sea food.  I selected shrimp (with shells on), snow crab, clams, and scallops.  You also choose a sausage (I chose kielbassa and bratwurst).  Corn and red potatoes are also included in the mix.  You cook these in a big pot of water with Old Bay Seasoning.

Poor Marianne!  The crab was "really fresh".  (She's a good actress, don't you think?)

Once everything is cooked, drain the liquid (I reserved it the last time for clam chowder) and then dump the whole mess on to an unset table covered with newspaper.


Supply each end of the table with a roll of paper towels and place condiments in dishes along the table.  I used ketchup and mustard for the sausage, butter and lemon for the seafood, and salt and pepper for the potatoes and corn. If you serve crab legs, it is helpful to have some pliers to crack them with.

Click here for a recipe and a little history of this delicious dish (like I mentioned, I used a wider variety of seafood than this particular recipe calls for).

Here is the cake that Emma made.  Eric loves VW Bugs.

The birthday hat is courtesy of some silly girls and a father willing to humor them :) 

Biblical Justice: Prison Entrepreneurship Program and Men of Valor

I heard a great podcast today on Q ideas. Catherine Rhor, a former New York investment banker left her $200,000 a year salary to form a non-profit ministry that teaches business and life skills to prisoners 6 months before they are released.  The organization, Prison Entrepreneurship Program (PEP) also helps the ex-prisoners after they are released find jobs, pursue educational/vocational training opportunities, and develop friendships with healthy role models. The recidivism rate is 0% for the 256 graduates who are active participants in the program (as compared to the national average of 60%-70%).  For those who have only partially completed the program, the recidivism rate is 2.8 percent.

Catherine's story inspires me.  She shows how the faithful stewardship of resources and the power of relationship can transform the lives of prisoners.  Unfortunately there is not an embedded code that I can use to include the interview with Catherine Rohr in this blog.Click here to watch the interview.

PEP reminds me of a similar ministry, Men of Valor, I saw featured on the DVD Seek Social Justice produced by the Heritage Foundation.  Below is a video that gives an overview of the kinds of things this amazing ministry is doing.


Men of Valor | Mentoring from Compass Cinema on Vimeo.

Summer: Emma's Quinceanera Wannabe Fiesta

We've had a busy summer so far. I've been a little behind getting some pictures up.  I'll start with Emma's quinceanera fiesta last month.

Emma's "quinceanera wannabe" party (15th birthday party based on a Mexican Fiesta theme)

Making Tamales a few days before the party

Marianne's special "cross" tamale

Lizzy concentrating very hard on developing her tamale making skills

Fiesta Time!

This was a beautiful cake that my friend, Laura, generously made for Emma

 Pinata!

Eric having way too much fun keeping the pinata from being hit too easily

Mom & Dad

 Guitar Hero

Presents

A miniature "Painted Pony" from Marianne

Feliz Cumpleanos, Mija!

A Bleeding Man, A Spirit Led Church, and A Well Adjusted Morning

Eric and I were honored by a drop in visitor this morning. "Victor"  is a young man in our community who we first got to know about a year ago.  This is one relationship that I see the hand of God clearly directing.  We first met Victor at Celebrate Recovery(CR) about a year ago. We had a brief conversation that evening, but we didn't see him after that because CR ended in our community a short while later.

Several months passed, and I saw Victor again.  This time it was at a local motel where he was dropping off an application for employment.  The motel owner is a friend of my mother's and I had dropped by to pick up a tea pot I had lent her.  I recognized Victor's face, but was unable to place it, so I just smiled and said "hi".

About a month later, Victor was visiting a friend in the trailer park and, curious as to what we were doing there, stopped by our trailer.  We again spoke briefly and then I began to connect the dots between CR and our run in at the motel.  He shared with us that his girlfriend was pregnant and how excited he was about it.  For some reason God was continually putting Victor in our path, although it was unclear to us at the time as to why.  About a month later God gave us the "why".

We have been attending a church for the past year and a half that is more "Spirit led". When I say that, it doesn't mean it is chaotic, but our pastor is very sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit when it comes to the structure and flow of the Sunday service.  This is a risky thing to do as a pastor.  What if someone gets up and shares something unbiblical?  What if things get out of hand?  Our pastor doesn't view church as a performance, however and we love him for this. While he strives for excellence in planning the service, and does not do things "willy-nilly", he realizes the truth in the verse that says "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."  Proverbs 16:9 (ESV)

Well on one particular Sunday last July, I was sitting in my seat waiting for the service to start.  After singing some worship songs, our pastor brought Victor up to the front of the church and introduced him.  "Victor came this morning  because he is in need of comfort and encouragement.  He has a story to tell.  Let's listen while he shares"  I sat in my chair, mouth open, close to tears as Victor shared.

He wept as he told the story of losing his new born son to hydrocephalus ("water on the brain").  "Conner" had been born prematurely and because of that, he possessed a host of birth defects that threatened his life.  He lived for 18 days in the neo-natal intensive care unit (NICU) two hours away in another town.  Victor had a loose relationship with our church through one of the members, Kevin, who is the director of  a community youth organization in our county.  Other than Kevin and his wife, Victor knew no one at the church.  What he did know was that he was grieving and needed comfort.  We were so blessed that he chose to come to our church to find it.

Afterward, our pastor had people come up and pray for Victor.  We resumed the rest of the service after that, however, the worship team looked a little different.  Kevin was also the worship leader.  He left his post so that he could sit next to Victor and continue to minister to him.  What was odd about that was no one seemed to notice the absence of our worship leader.  It wasn't until after worship was over that our pastor pointed it out.  He used Victor's story as an example of  priorities -- putting people over our pre-planned agendas.  He mentioned that Kevin, our worship leader had a job to do -- lead worship.  He had practiced and planned the service to go a certain way. What a beautiful reflection of the Spirit of God working in Kevin to be able to say, "There is a capable worship team up front who will be able to get a long with out me.  Victor is more important than my plan.  This is where I need to be right now."

Our pastor mentioned to Victor how grateful he was that he had come to the church in his grief.  He made a comment something along the lines of the following:  "Victor, I hope you do not take this the wrong way.  We are so sorry for your loss.  But I want you to know that you blessed us today by letting us minister to you.  You gave us the opportunity to be the church to you."

That week I felt so privileged to be part of my church.  I saw people come around Victor and his girlfriend, "Melissa".   Kevin performed the funeral and had the opportunity to share the Gospel.  We held the reception at the church and people helped provide a potluck lunch.  One friend of mine, in retelling the story to a woman from another church said, "Our pastor let the young man bleed."  He needed to bleed and the church was there to help him bandage the wound.  Praise God!

After the Sunday service, I went up to Victor and re-introduced myself (my husband was speaking at another church).  He had remembered me from the trailer.  I gave him our contact information and told him to call my husband if he needed to talk.  He called shortly there after and asked us if we would visit with him and Melissa in their home.  We met with Victor and Melissa that week and have had the honor to be able to develop a friendship with them over the past year.

Victor comes almost every Friday for coffee and donuts at the trailer.  He and his girlfriend just recently had another baby.  Eric got a phone call one morning from Victor asking if he would baptize the baby.  Although we don't do infant baptisms, Eric agreed to talk to our pastor to see if we could do a dedication.  Last week, Victor asked Eric if he would marry him and Melissa.  Eric said he would be honored.  We start premarital sessions with them in three weeks.

Today would have been Conner's first birthday.  I had planned for my morning to look a certain way.  I was going to get some significant, long-overdue housework done before going to a Genesis Process counseling appointment.  Eric had some paperwork to do as well.  When Victor knocked on our door, it was a surprise to us both.  We were so blessed that our friend would come by our house to talk on this significant day. On this day, there was no agenda on our schedule that was more important than him.

After Victor left, I mentioned to Eric how obvious the hand of God had been in designing this friendship.  Multiple run-ins culminating in that church service.  If our pastor had stuck to his agenda and hadn't "let him bleed", we probably wouldn't have the same relationship with Victor we have today.  Our pastor could have bypassed the risk and put him on a prayer chain instead of letting him publicly share -- a name without a face that may have tugged at our mommy and daddy hearts and gotten a few days worth of our prayers, but no personal contact.  However, that event last July led to many more contacts with Victor, all culminating in today's visit.

Please pray for Victor and Melissa.  They are grieving the loss of their little one still and the anniversary of his death is just few weeks away.  Please pray that they will lean heavily on Jesus during this time and receive His peace and comfort.

Spring Gala

Last weekend "Emma" and "Eric" went to a "Spring Gala" hosted by a home school association in another town.  This was the first of such an event in our area and it was a big success.

 Emma found her dress at the Goodwill for $20.00 (Woo Hoo!)

For the most part, Emma has few regrets about being home schooled in high school.  Two things give her pangs of longing for some of the "perks" of traditional high school life. One is the prom and the other is graduation.  For the most part, these are just things that she has resigned herself to as part of the sacrifice of homeschooling (especially in a small town with a small home school association) and she admits that the rewards outweigh the sacrifices.  This last year we have been talking about trying to do something to provide a prom alternative when Emma is in her junior or senior year.  I honestly was hoping not to have to do this, however.  Planning an event on that level seems like a daunting task.  I was thrilled a few months back, however to see the announcement for the "Spring Gala" in my email box.  Somebody had planned a prom alternative for us! And at a reasonable price too -- 17.50 per person or $60.00 per family.

(Instead of hiring a professional photographer, they set up a photo booth where you could have someone take photos with your own camera)


I love the way this event was planned.  First of all, it was a family event for anyone over the age of 13.  Parents, students, friends, grandparents, etc. were all invited to be part of this dance.  While students could bring a date if they wished, this was completely optional.  We have encouraged Emma to wait until after high before she starts to date for a variety of reasons that I won't go into in this post.  It wasn't the date part that was feeding Emma's longing for a prom experience -- it is all the pomp and beauty of the "prom".  The idea of getting dressed up, finding the perfect dress, fixing hair and make up to perfection -- these are things almost all girls love to do and Emma is no exception.

The theme of the Gala was based on the academy awards.  Each parent was encouraged to "award" their student in a particular category based on the student's strengths.  The parents wrote scripts for their students giving an explanation as to why the student was chosen for the award along with other areas of student interest and the student's future plans.

Emma is a great writer and has us laughing by writing musical parodies from time to time, so she received "The Best Musical Parody" award.

 After a dinner buffet, the organizers had a professional dance instructor give dance lessons in "regency style" (Jane Austen's era).  After having read two Austen novels and having repeatedly seen film adaptations of every Austen novel, this was a real treat for Emma.

This event also had a time of recognition of the seniors along with "senior displays" -- slide shows, scrapbooks, mementos -- of the student's life.

 Emma came home so excited about this and strongly encouraged me to go next year.  Marianne will be old enough to participate by then, so I think there will be four of us attending next year. I am so impressed with all the work these parents put into this effort that I volunteered to help next year if they need it.

Our Year in Review: Language Lessons for the Very Young

Language Lessons for the Very Young Volume 1 by Sandi Queen
Grade: 3 (This could be used for grades 2-3)

Thumbs up! Love it!  This curriculum is based on Charlotte Mason's philosophy of homeschooling.  The lessons are short and varied.  Lizzy has some attention difficulties, so this curriculum was perfect for her.  Some of the skills taught in this curriculum include mechanics, narration, composition and parts of speech.  Many times the author uses classical art and poetry to teach these skills. This curriculum can be adapted across different grades.  For example, when the lesson called for narration, I would also have Lizzy write what she narrated.

Pros:  The lessons are engaging and short.  They use poetry and art which held Lizzy's attention.


Cons:  This curriculum may not provide enough practice on parts of speech, mechanics and composition for students in the third grade. I also used a separate, traditional grammar program for additional practice in these areas.


Note: To be honest, however, I don't know how much Lizzy gleaned from the traditional grammar program we supplemented with.  It was a battle to get her to complete the assignments and she kept complaining about how boring the curriculum was as compared to the "Language Lessons".


You can read a review of this curriculum here (although the cover pictured is different than the one I bought)   

My Dad

In honor of Fathers Day I wanted to re-post a memory I wrote about my dad a couple of years ago.  I feel so blessed to have such wonderful men in my life like my dad and my husband.

One very special memory I have was of an event that occurred when I was a young adult, just 18 years old. Ironically, it happened when I was suffering from Hepatitis A (the non-chronic form of Hepatitis) that I had contracted while working in a day care center. After about 3 days of puking my guts out, my dad entered my room with a book and began to read to me. The sound of his voice reading aloud to me was so soothing — like oil to my soul. I honestly have no idea even what book it was; I was so out of it. What mattered most to me and what created the special memory was the gesture.

 Dad

It had been several years since my dad had read aloud to me, but this had been a regular nighttime routine throughout most of my childhood and even into my teen years. I remember either he or my mom would come into my room or my brother’s room and we would read a portion of a book together as a family. When we were young, of course, we read picture books, story books, poems, and nursery rhymes: The Pokey Little Puppy, The Little Engine That Could, and other Golden books, Child Craft Poems, How Can We Get to the Zoo?, Yuri & the Moonie Goats, Grimm’s Fairy Tales and my favorite – Mexicali Soup. As we got older, chapter books replaced story books. Some of the more memorable titles we read together were The Lion the Witch & the Wardrobe, The Wizard of Oz, Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn, The Prince & the Pauper, & Swiss Family Robinson.

I don’t think I really appreciated this small, yet significant sacrifice that my parents made until I was older and had kids of my own. My dad worked hard when I was growing up. He was an Engineering Geologist for City of LA. Every day he commuted two hours, round trip, into the City and back, braving the traffic on the Southern California Freeways. I’m sure he must have been exhausted by the time he got home and ready to just veg for a while in front of the TV or indulge in some other form of escape rather than read aloud to us. I so appreciate however the consistency of my parents in making reading aloud a priority.

Now that I have kids of my own, this is a nightly routine that we have incorporated into our own family as well. At night, we gather in one of the rooms of the house, either a bedroom, the family room or living room (we like to mix it up a bit :0) and read a chapter book for the older two girls and a story book, poems, or nursery rhymes for our youngest daughter.

I cannot even begin to list all the benefits of reading aloud. Aside from the obvious academic advantages of literacy and vocabulary development, are countless others. Some of the reasons I value this routine so much are because it is a powerful way to develop family connectedness/bonding, create memories and establish a family identity (i.e. "This is what our family does"). Many times we will be living life together and something will happen or someone will say something, or we will be observing something and one of the kids will say "Hey that reminds me of the time in ___ book when the ___ character did ___ ". We also find that some of our best discussions as a family come while reading aloud. We will often stop and ask the girls why they thought a character did something or what they think will happen next or what could be the result of a decision or action of a character or how the actions of the characters compare to a Biblical world view.

I am grateful for the memories I have of being read aloud to by my parents. Thanks Dad (& Mom) for setting an example of a routine that was so special and memorable.

Making Churches Safe for Hurting People: A Profile of a Safe Church

Based on my limited experience working with those struggling with chemical dependency addictions and those living in generational poverty, I believe there are many things that we as a church can do to help make our fellowships safe for hurting people (no matter what their socio-economic backgrounds – there are a lot of hurting people in the middle and upper classes too, especially in the clergy-- we just tend to hide it more).  I will list these below and then elaborate on some of these in further posts.

Safe Churches are made up of people who  . . .

1) Listen, with hearts of compassion, to people’s stories without condemnation and judgement.

2) Recognize themselves as sinners by comparing themselves to a holy God rather than comparing themselves to other people.  Safe churches include people who are humble and authentic – willing to share their weaknesses and struggles. These churches include people who readily apologize for misunderstandings or wrongs done.  Safe churches model what brokenness looks like by being broken themselves.

3) Have become educated about the neurochemistry of addictions in order to learn how difficult they are to overcome.

4) Get to know people.  They spend time with them,“hang out” with them and step outside the cultural comfort zone to develop intentional friendships. People in safe churches avoid viewing hurting people as projects that need fixing.

5) Are accepting. They allow people to be in process and are patient with the process (belong, believe, become). They let the Holy Spirit do His work

6) Are flexible and patient with the children.  They get to know them and are patient with misbehavior. They model a spirit of gentleness by speaking kindly when correction is necessary. They encourage other church members to do the same.

7) Have become aware of the culture of different classes – generational poverty, middle class, upper class – inorder to learn the hidden rules that shape our social interactions and expectations.

8) Encourage church members to volunteer with local non-profits who help the poor, addicted, or disenfranchised.

9) Have come to the realization that it is actually the church's job not just to care about hurting people (by writing a check or donating to a food closet) but to know hurting people (by spending time together as friends)

10) Visit or write to inmates in jail or patients in treatment. They accompany them to hearings and trials. They show they care.

11) Are available for transportation, childcare, phone calls, etc.

12) Form “Treatment and Recovery Teams” to offer logistical and prayer support for individuals in treatment centers and their families.

13) Believe in people.  They encourage them and expect them to succeed.  They are cheerleaders and advocates for them, both to their faces and behind their backs.

14) Form support teams of men and women to help single mothers and the elderly with yard work, auto repair, child care, home repairs, etc.

15) Are willing to be a mentor to a child or teen – especially fatherless ones.

16) Encourage people to pursue their educational and career goals and provide support and encouragement along the way (childcare, transportation, resume writing, tutoring, etc.).  They throw a party when someone completes an educational goal (eg. a GED graduation party).

17) Give people who are receiving blessings from the church, also the opportunity to serve.

18) Are willing to dress casually on Sundays, realizing that many people in generational poverty do not have professional wardrobes and will not feel accepted if their manner of dress makes them stand out.  This, of course, is a personal decision for each person to make and some are not comfortable "dressing down" on Sunday. Please search the scriptures, however, and decide if this is a cultural value or a Biblical one.

19) Do not muddy the line between “justification” and “sanctification” by teaching a works-based salvation.  But instead give a clear gospel of grace through faith in Christ Jesus.

Making Churches Safe For Hurting People: Walk a Mile

As a recovering pharisee, I began to see the need to start bridging the gap between my churchy, self-righteous, "looking-down-my-nose-at-those people" self and unbelievers.  A few years ago, I prayed three prayers that changed my life:

1.  I prayed for God to give me a burden for those who didn’t know Him personally

2.  I prayed that God would give me eyes to see the needs around me and direct me how to meet those needs

3.  I prayed that the light of Christ would enter a low-income trailer park here in town (450 police calls a year are directed to this trailer park)

As I began to pray these prayers, God began to bring friends into my life who were either addicted to drugs/alcohol or in recovery for these addictions.  As I got to know these friends, God gave me a tremendous burden for their situations.  All of them were living in poverty.  Many were single moms.  Most of them were victims of some form of horrific form of childhood abuse and some suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder .

Shane Claiborne (I'm not necessarily endorsing his theology or his politics, but I admire his heart for and service to the poor) quotes:

I asked participants who claimed to be 'strong followers of Jesus' whether Jesus spent time with the poor. Nearly 80 percent said yes. Later in the survey, I sneaked in another question, I asked this same group of strong followers whether they spent time with the poor, and less than 2 percent said they did. I learned a powerful lesson: We can admire and worship Jesus without doing what he did. We can applaud what he preached and stood for without caring about the same things. We can adore his cross without taking up ours. I had come to see that the great tragedy of the church is not that rich Christians do not care about the poor but that rich Christians do not know the poor. (Emphasis mine)

This was certainly true of me until about 5 years ago, when we began ministry in the trailer park.  Before this, when I saw drug addicts or homeless people or others in difficult situations, I would have an ambivalent, apathetic attitude at best and at worst, (I'm ashamed to admit) have a “he’s made his bed, let him lie in it"  kind of attitude. Rarely would I have compassion or wonder what kind of obstacles or upbringing may have led to the poor decisions that resulted in self destructive behavior.  In other words, I kind of assumed that all playing fields were equal and, furthermore, that everyone had the home court advantage.  If I had really thought about it, I wouldn't have come to this conclusion, of course, but I never got past my snap judgments to really think about it.

Getting to know someone in a difficult situation can bring about a sympathy that changes your perspective. For example:

I never dreamed that some addicts were first introduced to drugs by their parents, one I know was as young as age 9.  The first time I heard of this I was shocked and figured it must be a rare thing. However, this is a story we are beginning to hear more often.

I never imagined that many of our friends have parents who are currently addicts as well. One man I know recounted to me generations of addiction and crime.  Seven members of his family have died within the last 10 years – 6 from drug overdoses. He can name only 2 people in his family that are “clean” – and one of them has been in recovery for a number of years.

I never knew that many, if not most, of these dear friends have been victims of hard core sexual and physical abuse by their parents, both biological and step – until I listened to their stories.  Some of the most difficult abuse stories I’ve heard involve mothers not protecting their children from their abusive husbands or boyfriends. Additionally, a few people we know were abandoned by one or both parents when they were in their early teens. One young man was on his own, on the streets, by the age of 12.

I didn't know that most of them stay in unhealthy, dysfunctional friendships because that is where they feel loved, accepted and not judged.

I didn’t realize that more than half have not complete high school. One person we know dropped out in the 9th grade when she became pregnant with her first child.  I’ve stopped asking the question “What year did you graduate?”

I didn’t realize that most of the couples we know with kids are not married. In fact, the system is set up to discourage marriage –as a single mom with kids, if you get married, you run the risk of your welfare benefits being cut. I’m not saying this is right or wrong.  I’m just trying to provide an explanation as to why marriage can be a much bigger risk for someone in a lower-income class than it is for someone in the middle class.

Eric married some friends of ours last summer who have 4 kids and had been together since they were preteens/teenagers – 17 years.

I already mentioned the number of people we know who were raised by single mothers – most of these situations included one or more step fathers/boyfriends.

A high percentage of the people whose stories we’ve heard include at least one, if not a combination of these disadvantages.

I began to ask myself. If I had had just one of these factors as part of my upbringing where would I be? Please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to excuse substance abuse or other criminal behavior or say "well its okay because there was abuse or neglect in the family".  I am however attempting to offer an explanation to those from similar backgrounds such as mine as to why someone might become addicted to drugs, alcohol, etc.  It would be arrogant of me to think that, despite the above obstacles, I would be in the safe, stable, healthy environments I have been in all my life.  I began to take inventory of my life's resources.

Let’s see:
-a loving, two parent (biological, no steps) home free of abuse
-parents who were clean and sober
-parents who loved each other
-a stable extended family
-plenty of healthy role models in family and friends
-parents who were educated and valued education
-a print-rich environment
-a home with predictable routines and limits
-a private Christian high school education
-a private Christian college education (mostly paid for by my parents)
-graduate school
-a loving, faithful, committed, Christian, non-abusive husband
-a Christian upbringing and mostly positive church experiences
-receiving Christ as my Savior as a young teenager.
-healthy, supportive friends
-parents who taught abstinence

I could go on and on, with the number of positive resources that were available to me both as a child and as an adult.  I have been blessed in so many ways that others we know could never imagine.  As a result of this beneficial upbringing, I have never tried drugs or smoked a cigarette in my life (although as a kid, my dad did let me take a puff once or twice off his cigar and tobacco pipe).  And although I have tried alcohol (beer and wine) in small amounts, I have never been drunk. Furthermore, the only man I have ever kissed or slept with is my husband.

At first my “squeaky clean” upbringing kept me from feeling qualified to even attempt ministering to addicts and those with criminal backgrounds.  What could I offer someone who has had such a difficult life?  I thought someone from an addictive background would write me off immediately. What I have found is exactly the opposite.  Addicts, recovering addicts, and felons are the most accepting group of people I have ever met. I'm serious. While I could never identify with the pain and difficulty that my friends have experienced, just being open in the areas I do struggle with and not condemning them for their areas of current and past struggle has helped bridge the gap between our different backgrounds -- friends and fellow sinners each on with our own issues to work out, on the journey together.

Making Churches Safe For Hurting People: The Musings of a Recovering Pharisee

My husband was speaking at a church a while back and a woman he met there relayed this story to him. Although the main details of this story are true, I've taken the liberty to change the names and to fill in some of the minor details in order to add continuity to the story. It illustrates the "behave, believe, belong" model of church community I referred to in my previous post.

"Dawn" was excited about bringing "Karen" to her women's Bible study.  Karen was not the church going type.  She was a recovering addict and she'd lived a hard life. Dawn had to do a lot of convincing to get her to come tonight. As Karen entered the church building, she seemed nervous.  Dawn could sense her discomfort and reassured her that this group of ladies would warmly welcome her into their gathering. As the two women found seats in the circle of women beginning to gather, Dawn noticed the woman sitting next to Karen begin to fidget in her chair. The woman turned her head toward Karen, gave her a quick glare, and then let out a big sigh.

Dawn was flabbergasted.  What would posses this woman to respond to Karen that way?  She hoped and prayed that this woman's actions had gone unnoticed by her friend.  However, this hope was short lived.  Dawn was horrified only moments later when this woman turned her head toward Karen, gave a couple of sniffs, raised her eyebrows and, with a sneering,condescending tone of voice said, "You smoke don't you?"
"Why . . . why . . . yes . . . I do," replied Karen.

"Well, you may not want to do so before the next time you come to Bible Study," the woman retorted.

There was no next time.  Ashamed, Karen never returned to the Bible study.

Honestly I don't know what motivated this woman to act the way she did.  She probably had some preconceived ideas about the "kind of woman" Karen was.  Along with these preconceived ideas, probably came some assumptions as to how she got there.  She may have looked to herself and said "Well I've made good choices.  I went to college, chose Jesus as my savior, have lived a clean life, have a good job, don't do drugs, drink, smoke, commit crimes, etc.  This lady really needs to get her act together.  If she just cleaned up her act, she'd have a better life and not live like this."

I can only attempt a guess at what was going through her mind, but I think my guess is probably "spot on", because that's where I was about 5 years ago.  That's right, my name is Katherine and I'm a "recovering pharisee*" (this is the point where you say "hi Katherine").

A few months ago, my husband and I participated in a training seminar for a relapse prevention program called The Genesis Process.  In this training, the author and presenter, Michael Dye, made a statement that has been resonating in my brain ever since:  "As churches we need to become safe places for hurting people."  Unfortunately, many of the people we know have been wounded by some church experience in their past, and are very hesitant to try again.

In the course of his presentation, Michael mentioned that 90% of all addictions are caused by relationships.  He went on to say, that establishing healthy relationships is the most important component those in self-destructive behaviors need in order to be restored to "a former healthy state". In other words, relationships caused the damage and healthy relationships are the key to healing the damage. Along the same lines, in her book, A Framework for Understanding Poverty, Ruby Payne, states that the one of the key bridges out of poverty is through relationships and role models.

Last December, I was volunteering at a discount community Christmas store that was a joint effort between our ministry,and other local churches, non-profits and government agencies to help provide Christmas gifts to low income families.  One day, one of the ladies, "Katrina," who I knew from the trailer park came in.  She had just gotten out of jail and was perusing the Bibles we had in our "free" section.  She mentioned to me that she had been studying the Bible in jail and would like to get involved in a Bible study or church.  "I've got to find some healthy friends" she said.

When push came to shove, however, she was reluctant to try any of the Bible studies or churches I recommended to her.  "Those just sound so intimidating," she said.  I offered to study the Bible with her on a one-on-one basis and she seemed interested, but then she moved out of town a few days later.  She did contact me after a while and ask me if I knew of any Bible studies in the area she had moved to.  I put her in contact with a local pastor I personally knew in her town.  I don't believe she has contacted him, though.

This conversation got me thinking.  If  Katrina feels too intimidated to even try a local church or Bible study, where is she going to meet healthy people?  Many friends we have met in her situation have not graduated from high school or completed the requirements for their GED.  Unfortunately this often limits them to jobs where other addicts are employed.   We have heard many times of situations where one co-worker convinces another to go drinking or using after work. The temptation is especially true if the person is employed in the restaurant industry, since most sit-down restaurants serve alcohol.

One of the requirements in The Genesis Process relapse prevention program is church attendance.  In addition to small group accountability and a 12-step program (like Alcoholics Anonymous or Celebrate Recovery), church attendance is part of the strategy to build healthy relationships, both with others and with God.  So herein lies the dilemma: given the example of Karen above, if healthy relationships are essential for healing, and  if churches aren't safe for addicts, how are they (addicts) ever going to meet healthy people and be in true recovery ("returning to a former, healthy state")?  Alcoholics Anonymous is doing a wonderful job of providing a safe place for addicts and connecting them with a "higher power".  I'm very, very supportive of AA.  But who is going to connect them to God through a relationship with Jesus?

They need us, Church!  Are we going to be there for them if they come, with all the mess complications involved? Or are we going to remain distant, entrenched in the self-righteous piety that has kept us safe, but paralyzed from being able to make a real difference in lives of the disenfranchised?  Furthermore, will we be patient with the process or will we demand the destination? Moreover, are we willing to pray and consider going where they are and reach into their world?

A local pastor who took the Genesis Process counselor training said he felt like putting up a big banner across his church sign that said "Addicts Welcome!".  I love that sentiment and his church has a number of recovering addicts who attend, so he must be doing something right.  But it will take more than a sign in order for that statement to be true in some churches. I'll continue sharing my ideas about how to make churches safe for hurting people in further posts.

*Credit given to Michael Dye for the term "Recovering Pharisee"