"Dawn" was excited about bringing "Karen" to her women's Bible study. Karen was not the church going type. She was a recovering addict and she'd lived a hard life. Dawn had to do a lot of convincing to get her to come tonight. As Karen entered the church building, she seemed nervous. Dawn could sense her discomfort and reassured her that this group of ladies would warmly welcome her into their gathering. As the two women found seats in the circle of women beginning to gather, Dawn noticed the woman sitting next to Karen begin to fidget in her chair. The woman turned her head toward Karen, gave her a quick glare, and then let out a big sigh.
Dawn was flabbergasted. What would posses this woman to respond to Karen that way? She hoped and prayed that this woman's actions had gone unnoticed by her friend. However, this hope was short lived. Dawn was horrified only moments later when this woman turned her head toward Karen, gave a couple of sniffs, raised her eyebrows and, with a sneering,condescending tone of voice said, "You smoke don't you?"
"Why . . . why . . . yes . . . I do," replied Karen.
"Well, you may not want to do so before the next time you come to Bible Study," the woman retorted.
There was no next time. Ashamed, Karen never returned to the Bible study.
Honestly I don't know what motivated this woman to act the way she did. She probably had some preconceived ideas about the "kind of woman" Karen was. Along with these preconceived ideas, probably came some assumptions as to how she got there. She may have looked to herself and said "Well I've made good choices. I went to college, chose Jesus as my savior, have lived a clean life, have a good job, don't do drugs, drink, smoke, commit crimes, etc. This lady really needs to get her act together. If she just cleaned up her act, she'd have a better life and not live like this."
I can only attempt a guess at what was going through her mind, but I think my guess is probably "spot on", because that's where I was about 5 years ago. That's right, my name is Katherine and I'm a "recovering pharisee*" (this is the point where you say "hi Katherine").
A few months ago, my husband and I participated in a training seminar for a relapse prevention program called The Genesis Process. In this training, the author and presenter, Michael Dye, made a statement that has been resonating in my brain ever since: "As churches we need to become safe places for hurting people." Unfortunately, many of the people we know have been wounded by some church experience in their past, and are very hesitant to try again.
In the course of his presentation, Michael mentioned that 90% of all addictions are caused by relationships. He went on to say, that establishing healthy relationships is the most important component those in self-destructive behaviors need in order to be restored to "a former healthy state". In other words, relationships caused the damage and healthy relationships are the key to healing the damage. Along the same lines, in her book, A Framework for Understanding Poverty, Ruby Payne, states that the one of the key bridges out of poverty is through relationships and role models.
Last December, I was volunteering at a discount community Christmas store that was a joint effort between our ministry,and other local churches, non-profits and government agencies to help provide Christmas gifts to low income families. One day, one of the ladies, "Katrina," who I knew from the trailer park came in. She had just gotten out of jail and was perusing the Bibles we had in our "free" section. She mentioned to me that she had been studying the Bible in jail and would like to get involved in a Bible study or church. "I've got to find some healthy friends" she said.
When push came to shove, however, she was reluctant to try any of the Bible studies or churches I recommended to her. "Those just sound so intimidating," she said. I offered to study the Bible with her on a one-on-one basis and she seemed interested, but then she moved out of town a few days later. She did contact me after a while and ask me if I knew of any Bible studies in the area she had moved to. I put her in contact with a local pastor I personally knew in her town. I don't believe she has contacted him, though.
This conversation got me thinking. If Katrina feels too intimidated to even try a local church or Bible study, where is she going to meet healthy people? Many friends we have met in her situation have not graduated from high school or completed the requirements for their GED. Unfortunately this often limits them to jobs where other addicts are employed. We have heard many times of situations where one co-worker convinces another to go drinking or using after work. The temptation is especially true if the person is employed in the restaurant industry, since most sit-down restaurants serve alcohol.
One of the requirements in The Genesis Process relapse prevention program is church attendance. In addition to small group accountability and a 12-step program (like Alcoholics Anonymous or Celebrate Recovery), church attendance is part of the strategy to build healthy relationships, both with others and with God. So herein lies the dilemma: given the example of Karen above, if healthy relationships are essential for healing, and if churches aren't safe for addicts, how are they (addicts) ever going to meet healthy people and be in true recovery ("returning to a former, healthy state")? Alcoholics Anonymous is doing a wonderful job of providing a safe place for addicts and connecting them with a "higher power". I'm very, very supportive of AA. But who is going to connect them to God through a relationship with Jesus?
They need us, Church! Are we going to be there for them if they come, with all the mess complications involved? Or are we going to remain distant, entrenched in the self-righteous piety that has kept us safe, but paralyzed from being able to make a real difference in lives of the disenfranchised? Furthermore, will we be patient with the process or will we demand the destination? Moreover, are we willing to pray and consider going where they are and reach into their world?
A local pastor who took the Genesis Process counselor training said he felt like putting up a big banner across his church sign that said "Addicts Welcome!". I love that sentiment and his church has a number of recovering addicts who attend, so he must be doing something right. But it will take more than a sign in order for that statement to be true in some churches. I'll continue sharing my ideas about how to make churches safe for hurting people in further posts.
*Credit given to Michael Dye for the term "Recovering Pharisee"
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