Making Churches Safe For Hurting People: Walk a Mile

As a recovering pharisee, I began to see the need to start bridging the gap between my churchy, self-righteous, "looking-down-my-nose-at-those people" self and unbelievers.  A few years ago, I prayed three prayers that changed my life:

1.  I prayed for God to give me a burden for those who didn’t know Him personally

2.  I prayed that God would give me eyes to see the needs around me and direct me how to meet those needs

3.  I prayed that the light of Christ would enter a low-income trailer park here in town (450 police calls a year are directed to this trailer park)

As I began to pray these prayers, God began to bring friends into my life who were either addicted to drugs/alcohol or in recovery for these addictions.  As I got to know these friends, God gave me a tremendous burden for their situations.  All of them were living in poverty.  Many were single moms.  Most of them were victims of some form of horrific form of childhood abuse and some suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder .

Shane Claiborne (I'm not necessarily endorsing his theology or his politics, but I admire his heart for and service to the poor) quotes:

I asked participants who claimed to be 'strong followers of Jesus' whether Jesus spent time with the poor. Nearly 80 percent said yes. Later in the survey, I sneaked in another question, I asked this same group of strong followers whether they spent time with the poor, and less than 2 percent said they did. I learned a powerful lesson: We can admire and worship Jesus without doing what he did. We can applaud what he preached and stood for without caring about the same things. We can adore his cross without taking up ours. I had come to see that the great tragedy of the church is not that rich Christians do not care about the poor but that rich Christians do not know the poor. (Emphasis mine)

This was certainly true of me until about 5 years ago, when we began ministry in the trailer park.  Before this, when I saw drug addicts or homeless people or others in difficult situations, I would have an ambivalent, apathetic attitude at best and at worst, (I'm ashamed to admit) have a “he’s made his bed, let him lie in it"  kind of attitude. Rarely would I have compassion or wonder what kind of obstacles or upbringing may have led to the poor decisions that resulted in self destructive behavior.  In other words, I kind of assumed that all playing fields were equal and, furthermore, that everyone had the home court advantage.  If I had really thought about it, I wouldn't have come to this conclusion, of course, but I never got past my snap judgments to really think about it.

Getting to know someone in a difficult situation can bring about a sympathy that changes your perspective. For example:

I never dreamed that some addicts were first introduced to drugs by their parents, one I know was as young as age 9.  The first time I heard of this I was shocked and figured it must be a rare thing. However, this is a story we are beginning to hear more often.

I never imagined that many of our friends have parents who are currently addicts as well. One man I know recounted to me generations of addiction and crime.  Seven members of his family have died within the last 10 years – 6 from drug overdoses. He can name only 2 people in his family that are “clean” – and one of them has been in recovery for a number of years.

I never knew that many, if not most, of these dear friends have been victims of hard core sexual and physical abuse by their parents, both biological and step – until I listened to their stories.  Some of the most difficult abuse stories I’ve heard involve mothers not protecting their children from their abusive husbands or boyfriends. Additionally, a few people we know were abandoned by one or both parents when they were in their early teens. One young man was on his own, on the streets, by the age of 12.

I didn't know that most of them stay in unhealthy, dysfunctional friendships because that is where they feel loved, accepted and not judged.

I didn’t realize that more than half have not complete high school. One person we know dropped out in the 9th grade when she became pregnant with her first child.  I’ve stopped asking the question “What year did you graduate?”

I didn’t realize that most of the couples we know with kids are not married. In fact, the system is set up to discourage marriage –as a single mom with kids, if you get married, you run the risk of your welfare benefits being cut. I’m not saying this is right or wrong.  I’m just trying to provide an explanation as to why marriage can be a much bigger risk for someone in a lower-income class than it is for someone in the middle class.

Eric married some friends of ours last summer who have 4 kids and had been together since they were preteens/teenagers – 17 years.

I already mentioned the number of people we know who were raised by single mothers – most of these situations included one or more step fathers/boyfriends.

A high percentage of the people whose stories we’ve heard include at least one, if not a combination of these disadvantages.

I began to ask myself. If I had had just one of these factors as part of my upbringing where would I be? Please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to excuse substance abuse or other criminal behavior or say "well its okay because there was abuse or neglect in the family".  I am however attempting to offer an explanation to those from similar backgrounds such as mine as to why someone might become addicted to drugs, alcohol, etc.  It would be arrogant of me to think that, despite the above obstacles, I would be in the safe, stable, healthy environments I have been in all my life.  I began to take inventory of my life's resources.

Let’s see:
-a loving, two parent (biological, no steps) home free of abuse
-parents who were clean and sober
-parents who loved each other
-a stable extended family
-plenty of healthy role models in family and friends
-parents who were educated and valued education
-a print-rich environment
-a home with predictable routines and limits
-a private Christian high school education
-a private Christian college education (mostly paid for by my parents)
-graduate school
-a loving, faithful, committed, Christian, non-abusive husband
-a Christian upbringing and mostly positive church experiences
-receiving Christ as my Savior as a young teenager.
-healthy, supportive friends
-parents who taught abstinence

I could go on and on, with the number of positive resources that were available to me both as a child and as an adult.  I have been blessed in so many ways that others we know could never imagine.  As a result of this beneficial upbringing, I have never tried drugs or smoked a cigarette in my life (although as a kid, my dad did let me take a puff once or twice off his cigar and tobacco pipe).  And although I have tried alcohol (beer and wine) in small amounts, I have never been drunk. Furthermore, the only man I have ever kissed or slept with is my husband.

At first my “squeaky clean” upbringing kept me from feeling qualified to even attempt ministering to addicts and those with criminal backgrounds.  What could I offer someone who has had such a difficult life?  I thought someone from an addictive background would write me off immediately. What I have found is exactly the opposite.  Addicts, recovering addicts, and felons are the most accepting group of people I have ever met. I'm serious. While I could never identify with the pain and difficulty that my friends have experienced, just being open in the areas I do struggle with and not condemning them for their areas of current and past struggle has helped bridge the gap between our different backgrounds -- friends and fellow sinners each on with our own issues to work out, on the journey together.